
MR. HUGO'S VERY BAD DAY: or a puppy's complaint
And so the conversation unfolded between man's best friend and master— Hugo, the Australian Shepherd, and the artist and writer.
"Listen Jo, we need to talk. I may look like a placid stud muffin to you—but I gotta spell it out. What the hell are we doing anyway? Lying around, day after day. If you aren't writing, you're painting. I mean really. Have you looked out the window? Pretty damn gorgeous outside."
"Back it down Hugo. What's got into you? You never swear. What about our five-mile runs —outside? And if it's sunny, a go at Frisbee in the courtyard. What about yoga at five? I seem to recall you have no trouble finding your antler and hanging out doing up dog/down dog. Oh, I almost forgot, silly me. How about a round of "Professor Plum" in the library? Your very own find the cookie whodunit."
"Is this it for Pete's sake? I'm just a kid and life's an unending swath of ennui. I got in the wrong car—just so you know—you can tell me any day now, which way to the ranch. And while we're on the topic, why'd you have to go and mess with my manliness? You honestly think I didn't notice! I feel it every day, a certain —je ne sais quoi—call it a languid stupor I float in, like a vapid newt that didn't graduate to a salamander."
"Heck, Hugo—that's a lot of griping. And there I am mincing fresh parsley, kale, adding kimchi and flax oil to your free-range chicken patties. God forbid, I should bother to buy herbal supplements from London. and crystal energy tags from Boulder. And what about gratitude for a near perfect childhood—need I go on? O.K., I will. Three pink crinkle Lolly Lambs, just in case you ate one. Lullabies. Who else had a kiddie pool with a slide? Cruising with the top down... What about the reversible Filson jacket you love? The one you say makes you look badass."
"You know what I think? I think you've completely forgotten who I am. Look what I've got in my back pocket—Champions, that's what. CH Propwash Reckon at Eukanuba, CH Propwash Syzygy—shout out to AKA "Gander"—World Best in Show. First ever Aussie to pull it off! Chew on that sister. I am made for great things. Sign me up for Buffalo Bill's Wild West Show. You—you're content with the back forty, with coy-wolves and birds. Phooey. Really? The pretentious coy-wolves aren't even friendly. And who needs a bird! Hawks this and white egret that, and if I hear you get all drippy drooly over those bluebirds again I'm going to bawl my eyes out."
"Look, I know I have a lot going on. Hang in there. I'm almost finished editing the memoir for the twenty-seventh time. The novel, with three fab dogs, the ones I let you name—you love that Highland story. I left you hanging in suspense not knowing what's happened to Moss, but I don't hear you whining, "Oh sweet Jesus, anything but that," when I ask you to be my beta-reader. Fish skins anyone?"
"O.K. got me there. Icelandic cod that's food porn."
"Keep your eye on the big game. Why do you think I work so hard? Dear baby number five. And that's what you're being—a bit of a baby-dolt. Retirement isn't that far off. This book might get published yet. Start singing! Yes, I'm not perfect. You aren't dancing tangos like that Aussie pop star Secret. How the heck does Mary do that anyway? So damn smart and only seventeen—24K Instagram followers and still counting. Go figure, an Aussie balancing on a pilates ball. Sweet Jesus."
"I guess it's just one of those days when a little voice in my head keeps asking why didn't I take a ride in that '72 F250. That dude was going somewhere. Why on earth did I say yes to a boring old Volvo headed to Vermont? Seriously? Of all the places in the world... Pretty soon that guy Bernie will be calling you again. I can hear him asking you to make phone calls. Super. Logging more time on your ass. (Sigh followed by an ear scratch). I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm mighty fond of eight o'clock fireside. And I own the corner seat on the couch, not to mention my sherpa fleece blanket. No, I take that back—only a whoosh needs pampering. I tolerate it and don't you forget it. But licking the feta and garlic pan, I must say that's pretty dope. Seared salmon—count me in."
"I love you."
"Love you too, babe."
—G. Brunini Congdon / 16th May 2019